Wednesday, May 13, 2009

How to Save the Economy

Well, everyone's got their own ideas on how to save our economy, which has apparently gone to the brink of armageddon because consumers borrowed money they shouldn't have. It's not the fault of the lawmakers, they just did what the corporations told them to do when they put them into office. It's not the fault of the corporations who lent money because that's their business, moving money around, allowing people to "live the American dream", which includes something for nothing, not paying back loans, and getting out of contracts when you're losing money on the deal.

Bankruptcy is also part of the American Dream. You can fail over and over, declare bankruptcy each time, then when you finally hit it big, the money is yours to keep, forget about all the prior creditors you left holding the bag - covering your own losses is not part of the American Dream.

I've been convinced by Larry Kudlow on CNBC (economic whiz from the Reagan era) and other right-wingers and pro-prosperity neo-religions that here are the steps necessary to save economy:

  • Taxes are bad, so no one will have to pay any. It was only necessary when implemented to pay for the Civil War first, then World War I later; we currently don't have a world war to pay for.

  • About a million religions and churches survive on nothing but donations, so why not the military and the government? The US military might has far more supporters than any religion, and as "might makes right" in the modern world, citizens will gladly give money to prove they are the "mightiest" alive. God favors those who take what they want, so this will also please God. Military ads already run free on tv, so we'll just make them all ads asking for donations. In return, we will get bumper stickers and lapel pins with "I Support G.I. Joe" on them.

  • Corporations can hire more and more cheap labor if they don't have to pay taxes, social security, unemployment insurance, all that other bureaucratic nonsense that keeps them from making a fair profit. Corporations can barely survive anymore, and the days of 10 billion a year in profits are harder to come by. They will assuredly use the extra profits to hire more workers and raise salaries as well. Who needs social security if you can easily find jobs until you die? Only the wealthy deserve retirement.

  • Rich people hire everyone else (right, Kudlow?), so they shouldn't have to pay any taxes, which will allow them to hire more and more annually with the savings, called "the trickle down effect". If all the wealthy can hire the rest of us as cooks, chauffeurs, nannies, butlers, gardners, maids, bridge partners, valets, shoe-tiers, dog walkers, ass-kissers, and yes-men, then the pressure will be less on corporations or the "gubbermen" to hire everyone, thus improving their profits as well.

  • Allow everyone to sell weapons without any restrictions. We own over 2 guns per capita as a nation, no reason that can't increase to 4 if we allow unrestricted weapon purchases at things like flea markets, church sales, yard sales, social clubs, baby showers, birthday parties, and every other opportunity available. We will be better protected, there will be less criminals because they're afraid of people with guns, and everyone will have more money to spend as a result. We will maintain our personal weapons edge on the rest of the world.

  • Remove all restrictions on any company or industry's business. Capitalism will always police itself and keep out the corruption and price-fixing, which only occurs when there's government regulation, they go hand-in-hand. The more successful companies there are, the lower prices will be from all the competition. If someone like Exxon or IBM makes a trillion, this will foster and encourage competition. Imagine if we all drilled for oil or built our own super-computers, we could all succeed like the big guys. Get off your butts!

  • Send every citizen about $100,000, then they can pay off credit cards and car loans, then spend like crazy on liquor, fast food, iPhones, downloadable music, new DVDs, expensive SUVs, 60" TVs, air Nikes, Haagen-Daas, and other necessitities currently only available to executives, criminals, bankers, preachers, and congressmen. The $600 rebate stimulated the economy so well that 100k ought to do a great job. Why not, they print money daily, as much as they want - it can be done!

Hey, it's just a start, this is my first day at saving American capitalism, and I'm still waiting for my government stimulation check so I can hire a staff to help me with the next post! and live The American Dream.


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