Not Responsible for Accidents

Ever see the useless signs “Not Responsible for Accidents”? (Bowling alleys, gun and archery ranges, etc.) I always thought what a clever legal ploy, just deny any legality beforehand. It’s not really legal; the dean of a law school told me that the signs are irrelevant in court, they just hope to discourage lawsuits. Fat chance, this is America!

So, why can’t everyone just do that, put up signs, waiving responsibility?

On my truck I’ll have:

• Not responsible for weaving all over the road
  
• Not responsible if I hit a pedestrian on the sidewalk
  
• Not responsible for old food on the passenger's side
  
• Not responsible for the collection of old mail on the floor
  

While at home, these ought to suffice:

• Not responsible if you get sick off my food
  
• Not responsible if you bust your ass on my cracked steps
  
• Not responsible if you can’t find any beer
  
• Not responsible for being out of ice, potato chips, or cookies
  
• (in the bedroom) Not responsible if you get pregnant
  

If you write a book, include in the front:

• Not responsible for cuss words
  
• Not responsible for bad humor
  
• Not responsible for characters who get naked
  
• Not responsible for misspellings
  
• Not responsible for exaggerating the author’s romantic prowess
  

If you’re a singer:

• Not responsible for singing off key
  
• Not responsible for getting out of rhythm
  
• Not responsible for getting lyrics wrong
  
• Not responsible for broken guitar strings
  
• Not responsible for encouraging groupies
  
• Not responsible for you not getting laid
  
• Not responsible if your girlfriend jumps onstage topless
  

The government could also do this:

• Not responsible if you die in a U.S. war
  
• Not responsible if you take a dangerous but approved drug
  
• Not responsible if you breathe toxic air
  
• Not responsible if a military jet crashes on hour house
  
• Not responsible if an Army Corps of Engineers dam breaks
  
• Not responsible for acts of terrorism that we warned you about
  
• Not responsible for unlawful Congressmen
  
• Not responsible for inflation, it’s a “free market” thing
  
• Not responsible for corporations, they're a “free market” thing
  

Let’s not leave out law enforcement:

• Not responsible for donut shortages
  
• Not responsible for raids on the wrong house
  
• Not responsible for accidental shootings of innocent civilians
  
• Not responsible for crime in the streets
  
• Not responsible for high speed chase crashes
  
• Not responsible for pulling over hot babes for no reason
  
• Not responsible for “bad cop” routines or overacting
  

And of course, banks and brokerages:

• Not responsible for your stupid stock trades
  
• Not responsible for fraudulent investments
  
• Not responsible for hackers stealing your money
  
• Not responsible for companies going bankrupt (especially ours)
  
• Not responsible for corporations, they're a “free market” thing
  

The Big Guy, the Creator

• Not responsible for what you do to the world after I create it